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Welcome to Film.com's annual Oscars drinking game! It's the only drinking game meant to destroy your liver within hours! The rules are below. They are numerous, so this isn't for the lightweights out there. I recommend you stock up on truck loads of liquor. Note: This game also works with Kool-Aid. Let's get to it.
Whenever there is an awkward moment on the red carpet, take a drink. This should make you nice and toasty for the upcoming show. The next four hours will just fly by!
Anytime someone mispronounces a name (pre-show or not), get the liquor a'pouring.
If Hugh Jackman has the kebobs to mention Australia, down a Foster's.
Every time Mickey Rourke's face looks like it's melting, take a shot.
Whenever Hugh Jackman channels Liza Minnelli, take a drink. No, scratch that. Dip your hand in a bucket of ice water and slap yourself in the face. You're in for a looooooong night.
Get your shot glass ready every time you wish Ricky Gervais or Steven Colbert were hosting (please drink responsibly).
When you hear Melissa Leo's name among the nominees ... and you know who she is, down that sucker.
Every time you hear the "Get Off the Stage" music, take a drink and pray to God it works. If the Academy paid attention to my memo (titled, "Tase Them, Bro!") about having security personnel armed with Tasers to take these clowns off stage by force, it would be time to open that bottle of champagne.
Anytime a poor schmuck gets the "Get Off the Stage" music because the previous guy hogged up all the the time, deliver a bonus shot to your belly.
Every time the camera pans to Michelle Williams and her daughter, take one for yourself and another for your fallen homies.
Every time it looks like Tom Cruise is clapping maybe a little too hard and enjoying himself maybe a little too much, take a drink.
Every time you spot a silicon implant or a Botox injection, drink.
If Nicole Kidman's forehead moves, drink.
When a joke bombs, drink.
Every shot of Freida Pinto, drink.
Every time you catch Renee Zellweger squinting, drink.
Every time you catch a losing nominee trying to hide their obvious disappointment and rage, drink.
Every time the camera cuts to Jack Nicholson in his shades, take a shot. Take two if the presenter/host references Jack. This should ensure you will not be driving home. Ever.
Any time any of the following phony-baloney, overused phrases come out of any winner's mouth, you work that bottle like it's nickel-night: "I'd like to thank the Academy"; "Oh my God! I so was not expecting this!"; "I love you all!"; "Shut that teleprompter off, I'm not going anywhere!"; "I didn't prepare a speech!"
If Hugh Jackman yells at a grip and says, "You and I are done professionally, man. That's it." ... Bottoms up.
Anytime someone thanks their agent, drink 10% (of a gallon).
If Sean Penn cracks a smile, go to town.
Get something in your system if Kate Winslet makes another awkward declaration of love to Leo in front of her husband.
A drink for every time Mickey Rourke sniffs.
Whenever the great Richard Jenkins gets one of those, "I'm just happy to be thirty rows behind Tom Hanks" faces, lift a glass.
If you come across a speech that isn't self-important, boring or phony but is instead touching and maybe a little life affirming, DO NOT DRINK. You need to stay sober and savor this moment. This is your time.
If Roberto Benigni makes it through security, take a shot -- just to calm your nerves. Then keep absolutely still. His sight is based on movement. Trust me.
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