These Cows Eat Grass

Some days you wonder if the Weekly World News has hijacked the AP News wire.

Today comes a story out of Russia. Some farmers there were confronted with a bit of a problem. The nice field they use to graze their cows in during the winter, filled with nourishing sunflowers and maize, was secretly infiltrated by people using it to grow illegal drugs. Marijuana, to be specific.

See, the drug guys came in and quietly seeded the peaceful pastures with marijuana seeds. By now, 40 tons of marijuana plants have grown up among the maize and sunflowers.

The Russian authorities seized the field, of course, but they faced a problem. If they simply burned the field up to get rid of the marijuana, all of the maize and sunflowers that the cows normally eat during the winter months would burn up as well, and the cows would starve to death.

So, the authorities have decided they'd rather have the cows eat a little wacky grass than starve. These bovines will be filling all four stomachs with fresh, grade A marijuana.

"There is simply no other way out," a Federal Drugs Control Service spokeswoman for the Urals region of Sverdlovsk said.

I'm glad that the cows are being given a chance to survive, but I wonder if authorities have had time to contemplate all of the possible ramifications of this unusual move, like I have:

1. Russian fraternity boys will find "cow tipping" much easier.
2. Cows suffering from glaucoma will begin migrating from all over Europe to the area, looking for a cure.
3. Russian butcher shops can market a new type of meat called "Reefer Beefer" to potheads worldwide.
4. Ads in Russian magazines will change slogan from "Got milk?" to "Got weed?"
5. I forsee an immediate surge of interest by students in local school milk programs.
6. Tokers will boost tourism when they come to score highs off Sverdlovskian cheesecake, yogurts and danishes.
7. Out: Maui Wowie. In: "Cowie Wowie"
8. We have finally cleared up an age-old mystery: why the cow jumped over the moon.